


Three Bottles Makes For A Holiday

by nuclearpolymer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Secret Snarry Swap 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-08-29 10:38:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16742434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuclearpolymer/pseuds/nuclearpolymer
Summary: How many times must Harry and Severus find themselves stuck together in close quarters before they take the hint?





	Three Bottles Makes For A Holiday

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to G. for the beta read.
> 
> Prompt 46 from slashwriter: A couple of lonely professors find themselves trapped in _______ with a bottle of _______. All orchestrated by _________.

"Try to do better than your standard feats of disastrous brewing, as each of you will serve as your own test subject at the end of this class," threatened Severus Snape, as he finished writing the instructions for the Regret Reducer potion on the chalkboard. He assessed the room. Not one student trembled on the verge of tears, and his most promising student actually had the temerity to grin at him before she began scrutinizing the instructions. He should never have agreed to let the prefects plan a party that would distract every last student from their classes in the last week before the winter holidays. But since Minerva had apologized for decades of anti-Slytherin bias at Hogwarts and had volunteered to chaperone a series of Gryffindor-Slytherin social events as a way to build better relations, he'd been unable to refuse.

His ruminations were interrupted by the frantic waving of Harry Potter, who appeared in the doorway of the potions classroom, hopping from one foot to another so quickly that he looked like he was trying to jump out of his own skin. 

"Professor Potter. What are you---"

"Sorry! To interrupt! Need help!" Harry gasped and panted, flapping his arms wildly until he unbalanced himself and ended up crashing into the wall. Severus quickly swept him into the hallway and shut the door before Harry could knock over anything important. A few quick spells later, and Harry was wrapped tightly in his robes and stuck to the wall.

"Will that do for now? I do have a class to supervise, you know," Severus waited, with one eyebrow raised.

"Please! I think it was! Just an Ants-in-your-pants Jinx! But something went wrong!"

"Obviously. Something is always going wrong in that Dueling Club of yours, isn't it. I suppose two of the students managed to miss each other and hit you with a simultaneous Ants-in-your-pants Jinx and a Nerve Endings Amplification Charm, about an hour after you'd been casting Cheering Charms and a week after you'd taken a course of Pepper-Up Potion?"

"Dunno! Can you! Fix it!"

"The potion you need requires two weeks of simmering---"

"Oh no! Can't wait!"

"Luckily for you, I brewed some last month, and I believe Poppy still has a bottle left." Severus unfastened Harry from the wall, secured the man's robes even more tightly to keep his arms and legs immobilized, and levitated him down the hallway. "It'll be fastest if we floo to the infirmary from my quarters."

Once they'd arrived at the infirmary, Severus easily located the bottle, but Madame Pomfrey was away. "The instructions for application are on the label, Harry. Make sure Poppy is very thorough, and you should be back at just your normal level of chaotic flailing by dinner-time."

"Aaah! Damn it, Snape! Don't leave!"

"I'll take you to the staff room. I'm sure Minerva or Filius would be able to help you with your amusing quandary." Severus maneuvered Harry back to the floo, threw in a pinch of powder, and stepped in with the bottle. The green flames flared, and then froze purple, leaving Harry and Severus crowded together in a dark and whirling space.

"What! How are we! Stuck!"

"How odd. I remember reading that a malfunctioning floo would simply go nowhere, leaving the traveler in the original fireplace. It's supposed to be impossible to become stuck between floo stops."

"No! Not impossible!"

Harry's robes had begun to loosen from his continuous kicking and waving, and he was soon bumping up against Severus, delivering an elbow to the ribs and a knee to the rear.

"This is ridiculous." Severus managed to get his wand out and vanished Harry's robes. With another spell, he locked Harry's limbs, leaving him splayed out like a starfish. "Hold still," Severus commanded unnecessarily, as he uncapped the bottle of salve.

The Ants-in-the-pants Jinx dissipated immediately as Severus's hands methodically massaged Harry's arms from shoulder to fingertip. At first, Harry was simply relieved to be in control of his own limbs again, even if they still stuck out stiffly from his body. But, when Severus started on his legs, Harry realized with alarm that the Nerve Endings Amplification Charm had not, in fact, dissipated and that there was only one possible outcome if this thorough attention continued.

As Severus covered the very last inches of Harry's skin, the floo suddenly flared again, drowning out Harry's scream and dumping them both into the staff room. Harry fell on the floor face down, dazed and wondering if he'd ever be able to stand up again. Severus set the bottle next to him without a word, and headed for the door.

"Hello Harry, Severus," said Flitwick, not looking up from his grading. "Convenient that you've turned up. The house-elves were looking for you. Apparently there is some question about the appropriate variety of biscuits for tonight's Gryffindor-Slytherin social. You may want to stop by the kitchens after dinner."

* * *

After dinner, Harry concluded that since he was still alive, he probably was not going to literally die from embarrassment and thus had no easy escape from facing Severus to discuss biscuits with house-elves. At least Flitwick had either not noticed, or had deliberately not commented, on Harry's missing clothing when he'd finally regained enough coordination to exit the staff room. Luckily, a dusty cloak that had been hanging abandoned near the door for decades saved him from having to dash through the corridor starkers.

Perhaps Severus wouldn't want to bother with questions about biscuits? Harry dashed off a quick note, trying not to think about the man's strong fingers or dark eyes. Severus had long since made it clear that he wasn't interested in romance, and that even if he was, Harry was too arrogant to be a contender. 

_Severus - So sorry to have interrupted your class this afternoon. Thanks for sorting out that jinx. If you'd like, I can go chat with the elves by myself and save you the bother?  
-Harry_

_No need. And I don't entirely trust your taste in biscuits.  
-S_

When Harry got to the kitchens, there were no house-elves to be seen, but icing, sprinkles, flour, sugar, and bowls of biscuit dough covered every surface. "Hallo...is anyone home? It smells great in here. Winky? Anyone?"

No house-elves popped into sight. Harry took a Christmas biscuit from a heaped platter, and sat down. He'd been too mortified during dinner to eat much, and the biscuits were delicious. Three biscuits later, Severus strode in.

"Already talked your house-elf fans into making your favorite biscuits, I see."

"My preferences in biscuits don't matter, Severus. The party is for our students. I'm not even on chaperone duty this time."

"My understanding is that Filius and Minerva have that dubious honor. So then, if refreshments planning is not to be guided by your childish palate, what did you propose to the elves?"

"I haven't found Winky or anyone else yet. But let's see, I've got the one third-year who's vegan, and you have a sixth-year with a nut allergy, and a first-year who can't have gluten. The elves will know all that already, but I'm not sure if they know there are three students who celebrate Hanukkah, and one who can't stand Christmas crackers."

"You know which students in Slytherin have allergies?" Severus asked. He hadn't thought that any of the other staff paid much attention to his house, despite Minerva's talk about reaching out.

"Sometimes I make biscuits to bring to Dueling Club meetings. It lightens up the mood so it feels more like a party and less like a fight, especially when it's a Gryffindor/Slytherin duel." Harry looked around. "Strange that the elves are all gone. Maybe we should come back later."

"Something's burning," Severus said. Harry rescued a batch of cream puffs from one oven, while Severus turned down the heat for a tray of baked apples. "And what's that banging noise?"

Harry walked over to the kitchen door. "Why would anyone be knocking?" he asked, reaching for the doorknob. "Uh oh. Not opening." Severus was at his side in a flash, pointing his wand at the door as it faded away, leaving only a solid wall.

"Master Harry! We is locked out of the kitchens! Winky cannot be getting in, and the food will be all burned up." Winky's squeaky voice was barely audible through the thick wall. "This has never been happening before. Never! Elves can be going anywhere at Hogwarts, always!"

"Winky, go tell the Headmistress what's going on. Don't worry, we can take care of the food for the party until you get back," Harry reassured her.

"The wards must have gone haywire," Severus said, narrowing his eyes and setting down his wand. "I can't cast a single spell."

"Accio vanilla extract!" The bottle remained firmly in place, entirely unmoved Harry's attempt to summon it. "Well, I guess it's good that I learned to cook the Muggle way. I'm sure Minerva will be able to set everything right before the party starts, but a Hogwarts party needs a lot of dessert."

"Baking is much simpler than potions," said Severus, scoffing. "You needn't do it all yourself. Pass me that bottle when you're done with it."

* * *

Severus and Harry had a dozen batches of biscuits, eight pies, and fifty caramel apples finished by the time Headmistress McGonagall was able to convince the kitchen door to return. The house-elves rushed in, bowing deeply. "Master Harry! Master Snape! You's saved the party!" Winky cried.

"Maybe we can come help out another time," Harry suggested, thinking about how the scent of cloves and cardamom always reminded him of Severus. "Professor Snape rolls out a pie crust better than anyone I've ever seen before." 

"I trust that our services are no longer needed, Minerva? I did have plans to do some reading this evening," said Severus.

"Actually, Harry is the perfect judge to settle an argument between Filius and myself. But you can certainly leave now," said McGonagall. "Filius has gotten it into his head that we can build interhouse unity more quickly if one of the party games tonight features his novelty ink. We had quite a regrettable incident when he first invented the stuff and provided it for a Ministry ball, and I've banned him from taking it out of the supply closet ever since."

"What does the ink do?" asked Harry. "I don't remember hearing about any incident."

"Minerva is not quite as talented as Albus was, when it comes to hushing up regrettable accidents," said Severus. "But she does manage, somehow."

"But what happened? And if you've banned it already, why do I need to settle an argument?"

"Filius refused to help chaperone the party unless I agreed to let someone who wasn't familiar with the Ministry incident decide whether the potential benefits outweighed the risks. So, I agreed not to tell you any details about what happened at the ball. Instead, he'll tell you about the ink, let you try it out, and then we'll both honor your decision."

"Sure, happy to help," said Harry. Was that why Filius had been so discreet in the staff room earlier? Surely he wouldn't stoop to blackmail, but he might well want to trade favors.

"I hardly think that Harry is the best person to weigh risks and benefits, Minerva. This is Harry Potter you're talking about, is it not? Headstrong, never counts the consequences, rushes in where angels fear to tread?" objected Severus.

"You're welcome to come along and offer your advice," said McGonagall. "I agreed not to bias the judge, but surely Filius can't object to a colleague providing some support and guidance in Harry's decision." She led them back to the staff room, where Flitwick was waiting. "Filius, Harry has agreed to be our arbitrator in the matter of your disappearing and reappearing ink. You may proceed to explain."

"It's not too complicated, Harry," Flitwick began. "I thought a little ice-breaker party game could help get the students mixing more. You know how they tend to sit with their housemates in classes, and take sides at Dueling Club."

"You used it at a Ministry ball before? Why did things go pear-shaped?"

"It's a disappearing and reappearing ink. When you write an anonymous note, your words disappear from your parchment and reappear on the recipient's parchment."

"That sounds fun, and no more dangerous than regular anonymous notes. I wouldn't worry about giving our students something like that," said Harry with a shrug.

"Ahem," interrupted Severus. "There's a bit more to the story, isn't there, Filius?"

"The interesting part, the intricate and beautiful part of the charm, is that the words that appear aren't the exact words you wrote. Write whatever you want, but the words that appear are what you truly mean in your heart."

"You mean, people wrote 'Nice job on that last speech, Minister' and it came out 'You're a blithering idiot'?" asked Harry with a laugh. "I bet if Severus wrote anything, it would reappear word for word."

"I'm sure if we encourage the students to write complimentary notes, the ink will turn their reluctant acknowledgement of each other's good qualities into more heartfelt messages. Sentiments like 'You aren't too horrible' will reappear as 'Thanks for being so kind to me last week,'" said Flitwick.

"I don't know. I remember being their age, and not everything I thought about my classmates was fit to be shared," said Harry.

"Give it a try, and see for yourself. The bottle's in the supply closet right here."

Harry opened the door and boggled at the shelves crammed full of parchment, quills, and every type of ink imaginable. "Err, what does the bottle look like? And how far back into the closet was it?"

"About eight years back," said Flitwick. "You might need to rummage a bit, but it's a large black bottle with a red heart-shaped label on a high shelf."

"He'll never find it," said Severus. "I imagine Minerva hid it rather thoroughly." 

Flitwick gestured at a shelf. "I believe it's just up there. Harry, you'll need this ladder. Albus and I had to set up an Accio canceling zone in the supply closet after Gilderoy nearly drowned himself in ink for the third time, despite our repeated appeals to his common sense."

Harry perched at the top of the ladder, carefully shuffling dusty bottles around the crowded shelves until he had nearly reached the back of highest shelf. He could just barely reach a black bottle by half-crawling onto the deep shelf.

"Careful, Harry!" said Flitwick, rushing forward as the ladder wobbled. Severus was even faster, dodging the ladder as it fell and catching Harry with a levitation charm.

"Don't worry, I've got the ink!"

The closet door slammed behind him with a loud bang, but Severus managed to lower Harry to the ground before whirling around at the sound. "Filius, what is the meaning of this! Was the floo malfunction and the disappearing kitchen door also your work, or is there a conspiracy among the entire staff?"

"I can't take credit for everything, but I'm not going to name any names," said Flitwick. "Have fun, boys. If you haven't managed to escape by the end of the party, I'll be back to let you out."

"Were you in on this ridiculous farce, too?" demanded Severus.

"Are you kidding? If someone could die from embarrassment, I'd be dead already."

"What, the idea of someone trying to match you up with me is that mortifying? You're a walking fashion disaster yourself, with those ratty trainers."

"I was talking about the jinx!"

"It was indeed poorly done for a professor to be incapacitated by a pair of third years."

"Not the getting hit part. Flitwick probably set me up. I mean the part where I ended up collapsed naked in the staff room!" Harry dared to glance at Severus. Was that a hint of a smile? 

"You would have preferred Poppy be the one to treat you?"

Harry threw caution to the winds. "Definitely not! You took care of me, and you can make pie, and you were fast enough to keep me from falling off that ladder."

"Your biscuits weren't half bad, either."

"I don't suppose you'd want to, ah, check me for any lingering jinxes? Once we're not stuck in the supply closet?"

Severus turned away and opened the door. "Your room is certain to be a mess. Better come to mine."

Harry set down the bottle and followed. With any luck, they wouldn't need Flitwick's charmed ink to understand each other tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment here or at [LiveJournal](https://snape-potter.livejournal.com/3851529.html), [Insanejournal](http://asylums.insanejournal.com/snape_potter/1784411.html), or [Dreamwidth](https://snape-potter.dreamwidth.org/1103494.html).


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